I
want to take the discussion in a serious direction for a minute. There
was an awful piece of news on the wire today: a man walked into a
ladies’ fitness class and started randomly shooting. He killed three
women and injured many others before killing himself.The media quickly
found an online diary that suggested his reasoning behind the massacre:
he couldn't find a girlfriend, and he blamed women.
Actually,
he blamed the world for his problems: women, his family, his boss.
Really, looking at his writings, he was in need of professional mental
help. But a recurring theme in his diary was that he saw himself as a
normal, “nice guy.” Not once in his diary did he stop to think he could
change his results by doing something differently. By trying something
new. Very sad for all concerned.
My
point in going there is that I've seen flashes of anger in many men —
ironically, always the “nice guys” — because they blame their loneliness
on women (“they all just want a ‘bad boy’ who’ll treat them badly”).
"Your Friends Are Supposed to Be Nice to You" Part of this issue is conventional wisdom: Be nice. Just be yourself. Show you care. The
problem is when niceness becomes neediness, being yourself becomes not
growing, and showing you care means heaping giant gobs of suffocating
sugar on the one you want. TV and movies show the nice guy winning,
because it’s what we want to see — we don’t get to see them years down
the line, when the nice guy won’t leave the house without his special
one, won’t let her go anywhere without him, and won’t try anything in
bed that isn’t mom-approved.
Your
friends will tell you you’re awesome and any woman should be honored to
be with you, because they’re your friends, they’re supposed to be nice
to you, and they get uncomfortable when you’re unhappy. Your female
friends won’t suggest that what backfired about your last date is that
you wore a suit and brought a bouquet of roses to a first meeting at
Starbucks. They’ll tell you “it’s romantic, she just wasn’t worthy.” And
your guy friends usually don’t know enough to be much help, aside from
buying you a beer. So with both the media and your friends telling you
that being a nice guy is super awesome and absolutely nothing’s wrong
with your approach, the problem must be with the women, right?
"Own Your Stuff" When
was the last time you were brutally honest with yourself about what you
must improve? When was the last time you sat down in a quiet room, or a
quiet outdoor setting, cleared your mind and just listened to the wind?
When was the last time you made a full effort to see yourself as
someone else does? I have a saying I use with my friends: “everyone’s
got their stuff.” Your stuff is your issues, our baggage, from childhood
and beyond. Something someone said to us that was awful but we took it
to heart, or something we know we do wrong yet we keep on doing it, or a
security blanket we just can’t give up. The important thing here is
that no matter where you picked it up, it’s your stuff. You can keep it
or reject it. Sometimes it’s hard to reject it — there’s zero shame in
getting help with that, whether it’s someone like me or a psychologist
or dream analyst. If you can’t deal with your stuff, you have no right
to expect to bring it into a relationship. When you’re happy with
yourself, when you have a manageable level of stuff, and when you can
love and respect yourself, then it’s time to start thinking about a
relationship.
"Dating is an Efficient Market" In
days gone by, we often didn’t leave our small towns. If we dated or got
married, it had to be within the relatively small pool of women where
we lived. Maybe there were far more men, meaning you either lost out to
some other guy or had to “settle” for whoever you could get. Or maybe
there were far more women, and all you had to do to get a date was to
say “yes” when asked. That’s the way it was and you liked it. In
marketing terms, the market was inefficient. The product — you — often
sold for far more or less than it was worth. Now there are online dating
sites featuring thousands of members, Meetup groups and mix-n-mingle
events in every city. There are matchmakers with hundreds of women in
their portfolios. You can meet a woman in your town, or New York City,
or Miami, or Belfast or Sydney. The market is now efficient, especially
within a country like the US. If millions of women reject you, I can
assure you the problem is not with your customers. If your product isn’t
selling, you have two options: Improve your product. Work on your
marketing. The obvious best choice here is to improve your product; that
is, improve yourself. Get out into the world, become more fit, better
dressed and groomed, more social, and build confidence. The upside is
incredible and goes far beyond dating, while the downside is next to
zero. Start meditating. Learn some basic “pickup” skills and practice
them. On the other hand, if you’re trying to date the old-fashioned way,
you’re not using your full market. Take some classes, go to mingling
events and Meetups. Sign up for Match.com or Plenty Of Fish—I can help
you there with some online dating tips.
"Stop Being Nice, Start Being Great" If
you take away anything from this article, it should be this: being
“nice” isn’t enough. Let me tell you something else about me: I am, and
have always, had the qualities of a “nice guy.” When I was a teenager,
those were most of the qualities I had, as evidenced by the girls I
dated who realized I was “too good” for them (recognize that
rejection?). But over the years I’ve also developed skills and talents
beyond “niceness” that make me what I am now. I’m comfortable in my own
skin; I can get out of my comfort zone. I interact with women I like in
ways that let them know I have high value, like teasing and not putting
up with “games.” I am not a “nice guy.” I’m a complex, multifaceted guy
who also happens to be nice. I take responsibility for my life and my
happiness. That’s what women want — and what you should give them.
Because it’s also a gift to yourself.
TalkOfNaija
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