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Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Opinion: I also had an intimate affair with Bianca Ojukwu

by Ose Oyamendan
….men with great taste are no longer allowed to publicly announce that we have long-standing and intimate relationship with beautiful women. If we do, we run the risk of being called a tribalist, a liar, a mad man out of control or worse, all three.
I am a man. I have to start with that caveat in case some people think I’m not. I’m also not necessarily anti-women but they need to give men a break. First, they sucked us into eating that miserable apple which meant we have to work instead of lounging by the pool all our lives. Then, they tricked us into supporting women liberation forgetting what we lose they get.
​And, what did we get for all these? Nothing.
Except you count the mundane stuff like women making our meals sometimes, having our kids and keeping us sane always. Okay, sometimes they help keep us alive. So, what? It’s all they can do after denying us the chance at retirement from birth.
​That’s not even the worst of it. Ostensibly, men with great taste are no longer allowed to publicly announce that we have long-standing and intimate relationship with beautiful women. If we do, we run the risk of being called a tribalist, a liar, a mad man out of control or worse, all three.
​This has to stop!
​Take the case of several times a Chief Femi Fani-Kayode, or as some of his pals call him, FFK. You don’t get better educated than a man who went to Cambridge like his fathers. You don’t get more Nigerian than a man who served as a federal minister. You won’t see a more incorruptible public official than FFK except he happens to be standing to the cleanest of them all, Nasir El Rufai. You don’t get more detribalized than a man who sows his seeds across state and ethnic lines. The closest you come to that is swapping spit and sweat across ethnic boundaries. Men like that should be given the highest national honors because they keep the tribal line blurred as they should be.
​This is the man that some people have very unpatriotically decided to slander. And, why? Because in his attempt to prove that he loves the Igbos he told the world he had a long-standing and intimate relationship with Bianca Ojukwu. What’s the man supposed to say? That the proof that he’s a true Nigerian is that he dated street hawker at the Aba market!
​So, he kissed and told. Have you guys met Bianca? If you’ve not, have you seen her picture? If you kissed that kind of woman, tell me you won’t hire a megaphone, go to the middle of the market and let the whole village know it. My problem with FFK is that he kept it to himself for far too long. I would have respected him more, perhaps find a woman to give me a son so I can name him after FFK.
​The cool thing though is that I share something in common with FFK. I also have a secret. I dated Bianca. Yes, there it is – a secret that I’ve hidden in the farthest corner of my heart for the longest time. In the interest of full disclosure, I am like FFK too. My liaison was before the bearded general stole her heart away.
​The weird thing is, when I was dating Bianca, I didn’t know that made me a lover of the Igbo tribe or boosted my nationalist credentials. Had I known, I would have sent my resume to General Olusegun Obasanjo and demand a seat in his cabinet.
​Since I’m spilling my romantic secrets, I will also admit to two other long-standing and intimate relationships. One was with the Welsh, Hollywood A-list actress, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The other was with my teacher in primary three. Yeah, I know what you guys are thinking. Was she not old enough to be my mother? Actually she’s older than my mother. But, what can a seven-year-old boy do. If it’s love, it’s love.
​I met my teacher predictably in the classroom. While she taught the three “R” I was busy lusting after her. To this day, some people claim it’s the reason I spent three years in primary three. But, I know they just don’t understand. My one regret is that I never told her we were in love.
Next came Catherine. I met her on a British television show. She was as hot as a Tabasco sauce and I knew she had to be mine. So, I got myself a magazine, got her picture and put it in my notebook. When other kids were busy studying their text and notebooks, I was busy studying her. Everything would have worked out fine it that old man Douglas hadn’t showed up and did what every smooth old man does – swept a damsel off her feet.
​Which is why Bianca still hurts. See, I was deciding what to do after high school when I ran into her. It was love at first sight. She replaced Jesus Christ on my bedroom wall and every morning and night we’ll talk like young lovers did. My jealous friends tried to steal her from me. My supportive friends were happy to hear of our tales.
​Then, Ojukwu walked into her life.
Some people called our relationship a fantasy. But, they don’t know love. Just like they don’t know what they’re talking about when they go hard after FFK for admitting her was intimate with a woman.
It’s sad that when a nationalist like FFK comes out and tries to point out the holes in a federation, people take stones out of their bags and hurl it at him, forgetting the man has tall fences around his houses. But, who cares. One man’s villain is another man’s hero. Thank God 2015 is around the corner. FFK needs his tribe to back him not Nigeria.
If you’re reading this, Madame ambassador, please sue me too. At least we will be in the same room at last.

- This piece is a satire.

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