by
David Wong
See,
there is an old saying: Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is.
For many people, you’d be better off telling them to fuck off, because
at least then you’re acknowledging that they matter.
Have you recently had friends, co-workers, or strangers suddenly get
pissed off at you for what seemed like no reason at all? Maybe you told
yourself that they were overreacting or being too sensitive, or that
they had no right to be angry when you clearly didn’t mean to do
whatever you did (and in fact aren’t even sure what it was). If you’re a
socially inept type like me, I bet you’ve had this happen within the
last month.
Well, I’m here to help. Fortunately, I am the nation’s foremost
expert on social missteps, with more than 30 years of experience in the
field (some of you know me as the best-selling author of
I Couldn’t Help But Notice Your Father’s Corpse Had a Boner: The Psychology of the Socially Awkward Man, MacMillan, 2008), and I have found that the answer to “Why is everyone suddenly mad at me?” is usually one of the following.
Hint: It’s almost always about power.
#5. It’s Not What You Said, It’s What You Didn’t Say
For those of us who aren’t great with people, we figure that silence
is always the safest bet. If you’re an introvert, you spend so much of
your time wishing that other people would just shut the hell up that you
figure you’re doing everyone a favor. So, you run into a co-worker at
the mall and think it’s better to pass by in silence than do an awkward
stop-and-chat that you’d probably screw up anyway.
Then, after you pass by this person, you hear them in the aisle behind you mutter, “Asshole.”
So What’s the Problem?
This is literally the most frequent social mistake I see in my day to
day. You didn’t respond to the party invitation. You didn’t reply to
their funny text with a smiley. You didn’t wish them a happy birthday.
Now they’re bitter and you’re confused because, well, who would ever
assume that
silence is an insult?
Lots of people. In fact, to certain personality types,
not speaking is the most bitter insult possible. Yes, worse than “shitblimp.”
If you’re confused, think of it this way: If you apply for a job,
which is worse — a rejection letter, or no reply at all? The former is
bad, but the latter is
dismissive, and that’s a thousand times
worse. (Note: By far the angriest reaction I get to hate mail is when I
don’t reply at all.) That’s how some people take your failure to speak
to them — like you didn’t even open their resume before tossing it in
the trash.
See, there is an old saying: Hate is not the opposite of love.
Apathy is. For many people, you’d be better off telling them to fuck off, because at least then you’re acknowledging that they matter.
So Keep in Mind …
This is about power. Everything is.
The offended parties are assuming that you think you’re so high and
mighty that they don’t even rate a response, and that your silence is a
kind of power play intended to let them know that. And if you think it’s
weird that anyone would interpret a casual everyday interaction as a
power play, well, hang on to your ass, because you’re about to discover
something incredibly important about the world.
For instance, another way you’ve probably earned instant hatred from someone is …
#4. You Accidentally Asserted Power Over Them
Let’s take a really common situation: You get so drunk one weekend
that, while having back seat sex with a stranger, you start
uncontrollably shitting all over your car. You find out later that
cleaning the stains from the upholstery will cost $200.
So you’re at work the following Monday and you’re telling your sex
shit story to the guy in the next cubicle, because why not? It’s a funny
story. But for some reason, the guy starts avoiding you after that. And
no, it’s not because he was disgusted by the story — he tells worse
stuff every day.
So What’s the Problem?
You just asserted your power over him. You didn’t do it on purpose.
But you did it anyway, and it’s the sort of thing we accidentally do all
the time.
In this particular example, you told a story that involved A) you
having sex, B) doing it in a car, and C) an expensive clean-up bill.
Meanwhile, the guy you told the story to is a single dad who A) hasn’t
had sex in three years, B) can’t afford a car, and C) can’t waste $200
on drunken mistakes because he has a kid.
So in his eyes, you’re like that douchebag at your high school
reunion who desperately tries to wedge a dozen stealth boasts into the
conversation: “And then while I was in PARIS I found out my MAID
accidentally broke a $5,000 VASE and my wife was late for her PHOTO
SHOOT because SHE’S A MODEL and I had to hire a TAILOR because every
pair of pants I buy is TOO TIGHT IN THE CROTCH.” That guy is a douchebag
because he’s clearly trying to remind you that he is in a higher social
and economic position than you — he has the kind of “problems” you
would kill to have. He is, in other words, trying to assert his power
over you. That’s why we hate people like him.
So Keep in Mind …
This unspoken power dynamic is
always at play, whether you
acknowledge it or not. In any conversation between two people, one
person is going to be more successful than the other, or more
attractive, or smarter, or physically stronger, etc. — there are all of
these invisible “ranks” where one of you has risen over the other on
society’s ladder. Both of you will be aware of them, but
neither of you is allowed to mention them.
For many of us who are insecure about our “rank,” the subject is
basically an open wound. So not only must the subject be avoided, but
courtesy demands that
the higher person has to pretend to be the lower. So, this leads to the absurd situation where you can be talking to the dude who won the Nobel Prize in astrophysics, but the
second he looks at you and says, “I’m smarter than you,” you will hate him for life — even though
both of you know it’s true.
The boss who acts like your buddy and phrases his or her assignments as
requests (“Hey, can you get that report over to accounts by the end of
the day?”) is cool, while the boss who says, “Do what I say because
I’m the boss and
you’re just a minimum wage peon” is an asshole … even though
nothing changed other than the phrasing.
This bizarre charade seems to go double for women — this is why
pretty female comedians like Tina Fey pretend to be ugly and why Jennifer Lawrence has to make constant jokes about
how gross and ugly she is, just minutes after posing for yet another magazine cover.
The trouble with us less-than-social types is that we assume we’re
never the person in power, in any situation. That’s why it’s so easy for
us to fall into this — if you were never one of the cool kids, you
assume that everyone is confident but you, that they don’t have these
open wounds you can accidentally touch. So, you freely tell a story
about what a bitch your mom is being, and all the other guy can think
is, “Really? Mine died of cancer a year ago.”
But the thing you have to remember — and this really goes for
anything on this list — is that the fact that it was accidental really
means nothing. Any interaction that results in other people feeling
worse about themselves will still count against you in your “Why I don’t
like talking to this person” score. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just
explaining why they don’t invite you to parties anymore.
#3. They Think You Owe Them
Have you ever broken up with somebody and had them bafflingly claim,
“I can’t believe you would just leave me like that! After everything
I’ve done for you!”
Or did you once refuse to do a favor for somebody for what seemed
like a good reason (say, you couldn’t help them move because you had
work that day), only to see them get
really, really pissed off?
Almost to the point that they’re acting like you were paid for the work
in advance and then didn’t follow through? Like they thought you
owed it to them?
Or maybe the other person has suddenly stopped speaking to you,
making it clear that you’ve wronged them somehow and thus “owe” them an
apology or some other form of restitution. This may even cause you to
think
they should apologize to
you for overreacting, creating a stalemate that lasts until the day one of you refuses to attend the other’s funeral.
So What’s the Problem?
There’s a really good chance that the last person who got annoyed
with you for seemingly no reason at all did it because you failed to pay
a debt you didn’t even know you owed. There’s this weird thing where in
most relationships, and maybe in every relationship at one point or
another, both parties think the other side is in debt to them.
Most bad marriages work that way. The wife thinks, “This guy was a
lonely mess before I came along, who knows where he’d be if it wasn’t
for me rescuing him! Probably dead!” Meanwhile, the guy thinks, “I’m the
breadwinner, I gave her this nice house, if not for me she could have
wound up with some scumbag who beats her! Probably to death!” Both of
them think they’re the martyr in the relationship, selflessly
sacrificing while the other does nothing but take. Each is shocked and
pissed off when they find out that the other person is working from a
different balance sheet.
Your workplace is probably like this as well — everybody in your
department thinks they heroically keep the place afloat with their
tireless labor, while the boss thinks you’re a bunch of slackers for
whom the company generously puts food on the table. You’re shocked and
insulted when the company heartlessly announces layoffs (“Where’s the
loyalty?!?”), and the boss is shocked and insulted when any of you quit
without notice (“That ungrateful bastard!”).
Hey, do you remember that
Simpsons ”Poochie” episode where Comic Book Guy is outraged about the declining quality of the show, and the following exchange happens?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: For what? They’re giving you thousands of hours of
entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? If anything,
you owe
them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Guess how many people have written to me saying that I “owe” them
because I wrote a free article they didn’t like. It’s in the thousands.
So Keep in Mind …
The key is that in every case, the other person desperately
wants you
to be in debt to them. Because, you guessed it, that would give them
power over you (who has the power, the bank or the borrower?).
But, again, they can’t be up front about how or why they perceive you
to be in their debt — they just get angry when you fail to “pay.” And
once again, you’re left with someone who’s pissed off at you for what to
you seems like no reason at all.
#2. You Wasted Their Time
All you did was email your boss with a simple question or idle thought, and she jumped down your throat! What a bitch!
Then, later that night, you popped into your buddy’s house
unannounced, and like one minute later he’s all acting annoyed, opening
the door and saying, “Well, good to see you!” like he’s ushering you
out! What a dick!
Or maybe you’re on the other end of the situation in the first entry —
you messaged an acquaintance with a “happy birthday” and you got cold,
dead silence in return. But you know they ain’t no goddamned introvert,
they talk to a hundred people a day! What a hell-shitting cockhitler!
So What’s the Problem?
If you’ve been paying attention up to this point, you’re already
trying to figure out how this ties in to the power thing. Well, in the
first example, the boss was way too busy to put up with your bullshit.
In the second, your friend clearly was too busy to watch you smoke a
bong and talk about
Breaking Bad for three hours. In the third,
the dude got too many birthday wishes to reply to them all. But in each
case, due to the complicated power dynamics at play, they weren’t
allowed to openly say so.
After all, that would be effectively saying that they’ve prioritized
some other interaction over yours. That would mean A) they have the
power to dictate your interactions and B) other people have power to get
in line ahead of you. “I’m important and busy, you are just one of the
lesser peasants begging for my attention.”
Wait, it gets worse. Because at the exact same moment they made you feel powerless,
they also feel like the powerless party,
because they’re so besieged by people making demands on their time.
That’s why they got pissed at you. Sure, you can say, “Well, being busy
is no excuse to be a dick!” just as a billionaire could tell a homeless
guy that losing a pair of shoes is nothing to get upset about. An
extreme shortage is never something to get emotional about when
you’re not the one suffering from it.
I’ll use myself as an example. The last article I wrote
got about 6 million hits,
and I swear that every one of those people messaged me four or five
times each, many demanding that I personally debate them on the subject
point by point. At the exact same time,
the movie they made about my ridiculous book became available for download,
which as you can imagine generated a whole second stream of messages
that spilled across my personal email, my work email, my personal
Facebook account, my two work Facebook accounts, Yahoo Instant
Messenger, the Cracked forums, the Cracked forums private messaging
system, Twitter, and my cellphone. Checking all of those channels is a
frantic blur of sorting and prioritizing and deleting, knowing that at
any given moment I’m causing disappointment and frustration to dozens of
people who are waiting to hear from me, many of whom can’t do their
jobs until they do.
Now, quick show of hands: How many of you actually feel sorry for me?
OK, now how many of you were annoyed by the above paragraph and
interpreted it as one of those stealth boasts we mentioned before
(“Boohoo! I’m too famous! Waaah!”)? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And
that’s the point — there’s no good way for a busy person to tell you
they don’t have time for you. It always comes with the implication that
they’re a bigger deal than you are. And as we established earlier, the
only thing worse is to say nothing.
So Keep in Mind …
The person who is being terse with you, or who is clearly screening
your calls, is often in an impossible situation. They’re coming off as
flaunting their power to screen you, while from their point of view,
they have no power at all — they spend all of their time seeing to the
needs of the crowd. So, the most good-hearted of busy people just try to
deal with your thing, quickly answering your question while silently
gritting their teeth and thinking, “
It would have taken him five seconds to Google this.”
If that sounds like they’re making you pay for someone else’s
behavior, well, they are. That’s the way it works — prior offenses
count, even when it was someone else who committed them. The cashier at
Arby’s got annoyed when you pointed out that their logo looks like a
dick because she hears that joke six times a day. Remember: You are
nothing more than one link in somebody else’s chain of human
interactions. A chain that occasionally rubs them raw.
#1. You Assumed That Because You Were OK With a Situation, Everybody Was
This is the one that is by far the most likely to sneak up on you.
Also, it exists at all levels — between roommates, friends, spouses,
ethnic groups, nations.
In the office, this usually turns up as some pointless new rule that
seems to come out of the fucking blue — a memo says from now on nobody
can adjust the thermostat without asking a supervisor. Another announces
that the Christmas party is now the “winter holiday” party. In a
relationship, it’s the partner suddenly deciding after several years
that they no longer want Friday to be meatloaf night.
You get the idea — everything was going along absolutely perfectly
fine, the system was running as intended, and suddenly they’re making
these arbitrary demands. You then hear yourself saying things like:
“Why do they have to rock the boat
just when things were going good?”
“Why complain now, when we’ve
always done it this way?”
“I
don’t have a problem,
you’re the one who’s screaming!”
So What’s the Problem?
Let’s start small: In a previous article, we talked about the classic male/female conflict over
not putting the toilet seat down.
The reason it’s such a sore subject in some couples is that, as we
explained, it demonstrates that the man simply isn’t factoring in the
woman’s needs at all. It’s not that he intentionally wants to make her
life worse, or that he hates her or feels any negative emotion
whatsoever. Why would he? The seat is where
he likes it, he has
the power, everything is fine. It’s not even that he disagrees on the
issue; it’s that he refuses to acknowledge it as an issue at all.
This will happen to you. You will be on one side of a conflict that
does not feel like a conflict to you, because
that is the conflict. Trust me, there’s a great chance you’ll be oblivious to it until it’s too late. Entire governments have fallen this way.
Let me use myself as an example again, so it doesn’t come off like I’m accusing anyone:
After being raised as an evangelical Christian, I for years assumed
that Christianity was the default — there were Christians, and then
there were weirdos. I was shocked when in college I found that some
people get offended when you tell them, for instance, that their
recovery from surgery was a “miracle.” “No,” they’d say, “it was
actually the result of three months of excruciating rehab, incredibly
expensive doctors, and a loving and supportive family who worked extra
jobs to pay for it all.” I sneered and thought of them as overly
sensitive PC hippie atheists, because I never considered how I would
feel if, say, a Scientologist insisted that the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard
wrote my books for me and that I owed all of my success to him. Enjoy
your eternal hellfire, Zooey!
Now check the headlines — any controversy having to do with gay
marriage, or school prayer, or any social hot-button issue involves the
group who’s in control acting just like I did — baffled that any other
groups are dissatisfied with the “normal” way of doing things (“Oh, so
now we can’t keep the TEN COMMANDMENTS monument in the COURTHOUSE? But
it’s ALWAYS BEEN THERE!”). And in many cases, the baffled people don’t
feel any more malice than the guy did when he left the toilet seat up.
My favorite blog in the world gives some great examples where
opponents of desegregation or gay marriage have always insisted that
they don’t hate the group whose rights they’re opposing. In many cases,
they mean it honestly — “I’m not angry at anyone, I just want to leave
things the way they are. Which incidentally involves me having all of
the power.”
So Keep in Mind …
It’s easier than you think to find yourself on the wrong side of this
in your everyday life. You like to stay in on weekends, your
girlfriend/boyfriend likes to go out. After a year or so, they give up
and stop trying to get you off the sofa every Saturday. You interpret
this as the relationship settling in just how you like it; meanwhile,
they’re so miserable that they’re rehearsing their breakup speech. “But,
but … everything was going great!”
Sure it was. For you. You didn’t perceive yourself as being in a position of power because
that is the main advantage of power –
that you don’t have to think about it. You don’t think about money when
you’re eating at a restaurant. But you sure as fuck think about it when
you’re too poor to eat.
And out of all of the pitfalls on this list, this is by far the
worst, because it means that you can absolutely make other people hate
you without lifting a finger. Hell, you can do it without even knowing
it. Which means that, unfortunately, avoiding it requires constant
vigilance.
It’s exhausting, I know. But hey, at least you’ll have fewer people screaming at you.
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