by
Nicole Yorio
Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity.
What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through
past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from
the wife’s point of view.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask the guys? he thought. So for his new book,
The Truth About Cheating,
Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the
real reasons behind men’s infidelity — including what cheating men say
could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:
48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8
percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in
their infidelity. “Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is
sex,” Neuman says. “But men are emotionally driven beings too. They
want their wives to show them that they’re appreciated, and they want
women to understand how hard they’re trying to get things right.” The
problem is that men are less likely than women to express these
feelings, so you won’t always know when your guy is in need of a little
affirmation. “Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back,
which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked,” Neuman says.
“But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness
— and once you set the tone, he’s likely to match it.”
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn’t just uncaring jerks who
cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they’d be
unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn’t done it, Neuman
says. Clearly, guilt isn’t enough to stop a man from cheating. “Men are
good at compartmentalizing feelings,” Neuman explains. “They can hold on
to their emotions and deal with them later.” So even if your husband
swears he would never cheat, don’t assume it can’t happen. It’s
important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you
want.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and
legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he’s subconsciously telling
himself:
My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it.
You can’t simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering
Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time
together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a
sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club.
Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married
couples that share your values — it’ll create an environment that
supports marriage.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
“Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who
praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman says.
“That’s another reason why it’s so critical that he feel valued at
home.” Luckily, there’s a clear warning sign that your husband is
getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions
the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart,
your antennae should go up — and it’s time for the two of you to set
boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work, Neuman says. Is it
acceptable for him to work late if it’s only him and her? Can they
travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project?
Ask him what he’d feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn’t stray because he thinks he’ll get
better sex with a better-looking body. “In most cases, he’s cheating to
fill an emotional void,” Neuman says. “He feels a connection with the
other woman, and sex comes along for the ride.” If you’re worried about
infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected,
not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions.
(But know that sex does matter — it’s one of the key ways your guy
expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a
priority.)
Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than
a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see
the warning signs
before infidelity occurs — you might even see
it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He
spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more
frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront
him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating — especially if
nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take
charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead
in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don’t hesitate to show your
appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more.
Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And
be open about how you feel about what’s going on between the two of you
(again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, “I think we’ve
started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don’t want it
to disappear.” In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your
relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.
YNaija.com
