You've probably heard somebody, at some point, use the example
about life being a series of balls -- some are rubber and bounce back if
you drop them, some are glass and they shatter and break if you don't
give them enough attention and accidentally drop one. School, social
clubs, community commitments, work (usually) are all rubber balls.
Meaning that if you get too overwhelmed and one of them gets away from
you, the worst case scenario is that you have to chase that sucker like
one of those little crazy balls until you get life back under control.
Your health, your family, your spouse/marriage, your friends and a
few other things are glass balls. Because life is unfair, you also have
to keep balancing all of these balls in the air at the same time that
you keep everything else aloft. And these are far more important balls
because they are made of glass... some maybe even of the finest crystal.
And if you look away for too long, you will drop AT LEAST one and it
will shatter and break. Irreparably. These are things you can never
replace if you destroy them, however accidentally.
So what's a modern woman to do? Lately I haven't been blogging much
about marriage because I don't feel like I'm very good at it, and I
definitely shouldn't be claiming any expertise. Don't get me wrong --
we're happily married (to the best of my knowledge), but I feel like I'm
not keeping that particular ball terribly well supported. And I blame
it on life. I'm expected to run my business, keep my commitments to my
community, spend time talking to friends I live too far away from and
miss terribly, keep my house clean, keep in touch with a somewhat
extended family AND be a good wife. Is that even possible? And it's
not Bill who is being hard on me about this -- my husband is 100 percent
supportive 99 percent of the time. It's me who sees my shortcomings
and doesn't like it.
I was talking with a groom this week who was hanging out while his
new bride shopped in our boutique, and we were laughing about the one
requirement they'd had for their destination wedding -- absolute, 100
percent privacy. They wanted us to be witnesses at the wedding, they
wanted a photographer and a chef for dinner... they just absolutely
positively didn't want anything or anyone to interfere in the slightest
way in what was clearly the most important and intimate moment they will
ever share in their lifetimes. And they wanted a fab villa with no
visible neighbors. We were able to execute all of their requests and
they were happy.
Why was it so important to be alone on their big day? Both have busy
jobs and don't ever feel like they have enough time together, so they
made their wedding week an extended vacation all about themselves.
They spent time daydreaming about their next 50 years together and they
made plans for the future. Nothing was allowed to interfere. It was
their week. I was so jealous by the end of the conversation.
Marriage is a hard job in its own right. It's about learning when to
speak up, and when to shut up. You pick your battles, and sometimes
you start wars you never meant to finish. Sometimes the best laid plans
go awry, and sometimes you can't fix the things you mess up. It's a
little bit scary when you think about it like that. It's very easy
after a long, hard day at the office to go home and forget that your
partner might have had the same day, and that he or she might need
whatever you need back from them as badly as they do. But you're both
too darned tired to see the forest for the trees. Or rather, to see
what each other needs and be there for each other.
So what's the solution to this one? In this world where most of us
work full time and all of us are worried about money and the future?
Obviously, nobody can juggle all those balls successfully all of the
time. Family and work are the trickiest ones because your family is
always willing to forgive you for ignoring them... or are they? Work is
sneaky because it masquerades as Baccarat crystal when really it's a
recycled giant ball of rubber bands that will probably dry rot on you
eventually anyway, no matter how much attention you give it. And yet,
how many of us find ourselves using work commitments as an excuse when
we should really be doing something with one of those legitimately
fragile globes? How many times have you postponed plans with someone
you love to fulfill the wishes of someone who pays you?
Alright, enough with the bad metaphors. Do you spend enough time
with your husband or wife? Does he or she complain that you don't? In
this day and age, if you're hearing complaints, it's probably legit.
Face it, aren't almost all families double job, double income nowadays?
So we're all like ships passing in the night because nobody has the
exact same schedule, nobody has the same deadlines, and nobody has the
same sorts of worries that keep them up all night long. A very famous
and brilliant political consultant name Bob Goodman once told me that if
I ever owned my own company, I'd never sleep another solid night again.
Damn, I hate that Bob is always right. What I didn't ask him about
when he was explaining how to grow my career and build success was how
to make sure I had time to spend with my husband and other people I love
at the same time. Is it even possible? I see other people doing it.
Why is it so hard for me? Is it easy for everybody else? Or does it
just look that way.
It doesn't matter how everybody else is doing it. What matters is
that we (you, me and all the other married couples out there) have to
figure out a way to make it work. We have to make time for our life
partners. We have to make time for our health (if you think you don't
like the dentist, you'll like him even less if you skip your
appointments for a few years). It's not okay to forgo visits to your
elderly relatives when you finally have a moment to yourself that you'd
rather spend doing anything else -- reality check, they aren't going to
live forever. Everything I've just mentioned is a glass ball. And
there are so many, many more of them depending on who you are as an
individual. The list is pretty scary when you really start to think
about it. It seems insurmountable. But it's not. Partially because,
in the scenarios I'm referring to, you are not alone. You are fortunate
enough to have a husband or wife who loves you and is there to share
the burden... or to help you juggle. If you let them.
The moral of the story -- put your spouse and marriage first. It's
the ball that's really made of fragile, irreplaceable crystal and it's
the one that needs the most love, attention and diligence. If you keep
your relationship happy and healthy, you will automatically have a
stronger foundation for everything else you're trying to juggle.
Remember, four hands are far more effective than two.
Until next time, happy wedding planning from
Weddings in Vieques and
Weddings in Culebra!
Sandy
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