Chris Ihidero Unedited: How Old Would We Be In Heaven?

As you must be aware by now, I visit heaven quite regularly. Living in Nigeria makes it necessary to keep in constant touch with the divine, lest one goes bonkers trying to make sense of all the madness that goes on here on a daily basis.
I couldn’t make it to heaven this week due to the fuel scarcity and I didn’t think it was right to go to heaven in a plane flown with stolen fuel, so I decided to give the almighty a call instead and get something that has been troubling me for a while off my chest…
Hello Sir …yes sir good morning. I am very fine sir, no problems at all. I am so sorry I can’t make it to Heaven this week sir. There’s fuel scarcity again and I can’t get a flight to bring me…no sir, the planes are alright, as they tend to be for international flights. Who? Oh she’s fine sir, running a riot round my heart with her chicken legs…ah, no sir, I’m not grinning like a 15yr-old sir! What? Me, mushy-mushy? Impossible! You know I don’t do all this emotional stuff well…oh, please stop teasing sir! You can like to be pulling someone’s leg sef. My mumu button? It’s a lie jor, she doesn’t know how to press any button. Sebi it’s because I promised you I will be a good man, if not, I would have shown her pepper by now! You said what, sir? Haba, don’t do that o…you keep threatening me with this Angel Michael dude; I thought we agreed not to bring terrorists to civil discussions? That flaming sword business is not a joking something o!
That reminds me. I need you to answer a question quickly sir.
Sir…hello…hello, are you there? Okay, yes sir, I can hear you clearly. I need to know, sir, in Heaven, how old would I be? What, you don’t understand? I thought the question was quite simple. Let me break it down: Suppose I die at age 100, and, my handiwork and thy mercies willing, I resurrect in heaven, how old would I be? Simply put; in Heaven, what age would I be? Why is that important? Sir, it is very important o. I need to understand this Heaven business clearly. If, allegedly, one is supposed to wake up in Heaven after a life dedicated to the common good and other benevolent entanglements and one looks forward to a bountiful harvest, it should not be irrelevant to know how old one would be in the location of his spoils. Yes sir, I’m listening…what, say that again sir…my questions are irrelevant? I think not! I guess you don’t know what it feels like to work hard towards this heaven business, and if I am going to wake up as a senile old man then I have problems with the whole set up!
What shall it profit a man to work hard at salvation on earth only to wake up in Heaven with weak knees, arthritic knuckles, varicose veins, a weakened bladder, wrinkled and deflated scrotum, shrunken penis and other infirmities and indignities? Ehn, what sir? Not only would I be useless to surplus seraphs, I would also have to painfully munch sumptuous delicacies with my gums! No way! Unless I appear in Heaven in my pristine fine-boy-no-pimples-omodudu4ever-mogbonofelifeli-I’m-on-fire-kini-big-deal state, we might need to renegotiate this heaven business fast. There’s no way I’m losing at both ends. No freaking way! Somewhere between my dying (hopefully at 100) and reappearance in heaven, a transformation must occur where I return to my most marketable, mint condition o!
So sorry sir…I apologise for my language. But I’m serious o. I need to confirm before further common good instalments: in heaven, what would my age be? Hello…hello sir…look don’t cut the line and blame the network o, you must answer this question today, no escapist tactics!
Hello, hello…damn, I’ve run out of credit! This is not the end of this matter o. I shall surely be back. We must spell out this heaven business clearly. Man shall not live by promises alone!
And while we’re at it, sir: which one is the real heaven sef? Your people are presenting all types of heaven to us o…will we really be singing homilies all day and every day?  Are there really 70 virgins for those that kill in your name? Purgatory nko? Will I be able to visit my friends there? Yes o, I want to do ntoi to them! LOL! Me sha, I want the one with those fresh apples and people riding on the backs of lions, surrounded by drop-dead gorgeous seraphs! Choi!
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